A Mary for Me
by Sthrissa
Summary: Severus Snape's Mary Sue woes.


**A Mary for Me**

Author: Sthrissa

Summary: Severus Snape's Mary Sue woes.

* * *

Severus was excited. At long last it was his turn. The girl, currently being questioned by Dumbledore, would soon be his, and finally his year-long torture would be over.

Ever since that first girl, Mary, had arrived a year ago, mysteriously appearing in the Great Hall in a blinding flash of light, his life had been nothing short of excruciating. With her delicate features, and enchantingly vibrant violet eyes, she immediately captured the heart of every male in the school – except for him (for some reason he felt compelled to act the utterly snarky bastard around her, resulting in her swarm of admirers now despising him even more).

Of course, though she maintained a close friendship with _everyone_ (really couldn't she have left him some friends who weren't Death Eaters?), she had eyes only for Harry bloody Potter, and declared him her one true love. Then, using the special psionic elven-druid hybrid magic she had learned from mystical hermit-monks (whose order's sole reason for their millennia-long existence was to train her in that ability), she promptly defeated the greatest evil to plague the world – aka Lord Voldemort – whilst her true love headed her cheerleading squad. In the process she also managed to redeem quite a number of attractive Death Eaters who have now seen the error of their ways and have since been sworn to the protection of the line of Mary Sue-Potter.

After that, mostly friendless and purposeless, since his role of spy became obsolete, Severus had languished. He had comforted himself with the fact that at least he would have no reason to further associate with that girl or her family again until her first hybrid brat was old enough to attend Hogwarts, which gave him at least ten years.

Then Albus's teen-aged daughter (until then he had always believed the old man batted for the other side) arrived a week after Mary's happily-ever-after. Naturally Mariella Susannah Dumbledore was beloved by all who saw her, and possessed all the virtues that are glorified by angsty teen-aged girls.

Although he had been certain the Headmaster was completely human, somehow Mariella turned out to be half-vampire, a quarter daemon and a quarter vampire-demon, which apparently was a source of great mental anguish for her. With all of her emo crap going for her, she quickly hit it off with Draco Malfoy, in whom she had apparently seen a kindred soul. So, after having dazzled the entire school and most of the ministry, she and Draco departed for some distant foreign land to spend the rest of their lives together in harmony.

When the third girl arrived to broker a lasting friendship between Potter and Draco (who, for some inexplicable reason, had returned to Hogwarts just for that week, and then promptly left again to rejoin Miss Dumbledore), before whisking away with both George and Fred Weasley, Severus realised that his torture was just beginning.

With barely a week between them, these girls came one after another, all in equally mysterious and illogical ways. There was the blondette Princess of the Mystical Isle of Far Away, who managed to snag Ronald Weasley. A green-eyed girl, with dragon blood in her ancestry (how in the world that happened he did not want to speculate), swept Longbottom off his feet. There had even been a chiselled part-phoenix bloke called Marty Stu that bonded with Terry Boot.

When the half-elven, quarter-mermaid, one-sixteenth-veela, time-travelling fairy-goddess, possessed with the wisdom of a millennia but the body of an eighteen year old, had arrived to whisk _Dumbledore_ (the very last unattached male of his acquaintance), off his feet, Severus clung at the very edge of endurance.

However today there had been another mysterious arrival and Severus knew that finally it was his turn. Finally, the beautiful but sensitive young miss to see through his darkness into his golden generous inner self, was here, and soon they will be wed blissfully to live happily ever after.

He waited patiently at the gargoyles guarding the Headmaster's office, and when she emerged, he promptly sprang to her side. He examined her pleasant features, and decided that although her skin did not glow radiantly, nor her eyes draw you in with their brilliance, he really wasn't going to be picky. Forcing into his voice the slight hesitancy he was certain was required, he said to her: "You're the girl that mysteriously arrived today. How terrible it must be for you to be in such a strange place. Will you allow me to escort around Hogwarts and help you fit in?"

Rather than blush modestly but enticingly, the future love of his life blinked at him and replied: "Um, thanks. It's really not that terrible though. I just got misdirected here by the floo, instead of to the Hogshead. Actually, you should probably feel more sorry for the guy from the Floo Network who is currently being yelled at by the Headmaster."

Thinking desperately, Severus changed tact: "Oh, you have most interesting – uh – nose. Are you part-elven?"

"Nah, though I was almost half-vampire. Mom met him in a bar, but he banged mom's friend instead of her, and she ended up with dad."

"Ah. Um…that must really eat you up inside. Here, allow me to comfort you and assure you that whatever your lineage, it is who you are inside that counts."

"Hrm, well, I've never been all that bothered by it really."

"Oh. Um. Have you had a tortured childhood perhaps, that we can bond over?"

"No, my childhood was pretty near perfect. My parents were doting…"

"Ah ha! You must have felt suffocated by them…"

"Not particularly"

"Ah. Hrm… so…er, are you insecure about the future? Fearful of anything? Have any devastating prophesies hanging over you?"

She shot him a look, and after a moment replied, "Hey look, I get the feeling you're trying to hit on me. I'm telling you right now, don't bother."

Before Severus was able to launch into the assurance that he would never demean her so by hitting on her, and that he possessed only the utmost respect for her, and that perhaps she'd be willing to let him prove it by agreeing to a friendly dinner, she continued, "I don't do the whole commitment thing, but if you're ok with a quick shag, I'm all for it."

Severus promptly acquiesced. One can't be picky after all, he decided. And besides, if he remained unattached perhaps next week there will be another mysterious miss, and one the week after that too…


End file.
